@TheStrangerous So, you want everyone to get sunburnt?
Kooky Balance Changes - PART TWO/4.75!? [SATIRE]
AlbinMatt
(AlbinMatt)
#82
People have been praising good Phoenix players for years, some jave even taken this fondness of him to where some call Phoenix as “Spanish Jesus”.
Yo, we can make a religion outta this.
TheStrangerous
(TheStrangerous)
#83
I forgot about Stoker!
Oh gawd… I don’t wanna see him in swimsuit and his… burnt skin…
No, no, no, no, no… he gets a scuba diving suit instead ;p
TheStrangerous
(TheStrangerous)
#87
Welp let the nightmares begin thanks for that visual[/quote]
Rhino was Ace Ventura all this time! I knew it!
Mc1412013
(Mc1412013)
#88
Swimsuit skins would be too destracting. I alread had some get mad cuz i revived them and they wanted to stare At auras @#$ imagine all the lousy k.d. ratios playing as the girls.
AlbinMatt
(AlbinMatt)
#89
@Mc1412013 Wouldn’t playing as the women net you higher K/D? With the enemies being distracted, there is no point in aiming.
Well, if you’re referring to a woman playing DB, then yeah, seeing Fletcha’s toasty abs would be distracting.
Lord_Coctus
(Your worst knifemare.)
#91
We can all agree that shinywindow would only be distracted by a thigh of arty
Xenithos
(Xenithos)
#92
Kira - Nothing wrong with her name, Beam of Light is pretty freaking accurate. However, if she threatens to fry your entire zip code, how come we’re all complaining about it killing us indoors? Of course we’re going to friggin’ die from a giant space Lazor! As for the Katana, I just gotta wonder, where does she put that thing? I don’t see anywhere on her suit to put it, maybe in her weird pant flaps. Anyone else realize she has this weird “Aviator” Style-thing going, so how come she doesn’t have a pair of sunglasses? And, also, I’m pretty sure Aimee would kill her over the amount of straps she’s using on the front of her outfit alone. So… that’s a thing. Finally, if she’s supposed to be in college or researching and stuff, what kinda thing is she studying and how come she’s not on FBI’s/Mi6s most wanted list? Wait… she probably is.
Changes - First of all, Kira isn’t carrying her ammo station, ANYWHERE on her, it’s like, non-existent. So, that needs to be fixed. I’m thinking that if she’s got control over the SDF-1(er… prototype for 3 due to time period?)‘s reflex cannon, then she might as well be able to have Crates shot from orbit inside some pods or something filled with ammo down for her team as well. Might as well make her speedy and involve less character art in one go. Not to mention, the old ammo station design is getting annoying anyway. Next up, her hair has to be cuter, it needs to have purple in it :3
Finally, all of her freaking concepts have her with binoculars similar to Star Wars’ double to one look, but smaller. We need to fix this and actually allow her to do light recon work as well. Give her a third ability so Phoenix isn’t alone and allow her to target enemies WHILE she looks through these (the limit). I mean, in this concept she has TWO pairs of binoculars, sooo… [spoiler]https://i.gyazo.com/f385a2482e5d351caffca5af7626c47b.jpg[/spoiler]
Furthermore, THIS was on her profile:
“Kira’s PhD reseearch… her background in Cold War frequency-agile aerospace telemetry made her the authority”
Let’s dissect this in Vanilla real quick: Kira is studying and using her laser to get what she wants, and helping out in London, rather than just threatening the people into giving her a certificate for her PhD. She also is studying/or has a background in the nuclear tension issues from the 1950-late 80s despite being a college student that’s probably younger than 30. Meaning she’d either be in her 50-60s, or this is actually a class you can do research in. Huh. Also, since when did nuclear now mean WEAPONIZED SPACE LASER. Not to mention aerospace telemetry means she can properly read information from airplanes and equipment that flies to target and measure zones. This is a really freaking smart chick, yet she can’t cheat on getting her diploma. Sigh… I’d be a disappointment to her since I’m only seeing her for the colossally destructive weapons satellite that she controls.
Nader - What fudging woman is not only a lesbian lawyer, but believes she can help save more lives by killing people, and it’s the best thing she can be!? Not to mention she’s the only Merc in the game that can commit suicide, so that’s like a special hidden thumbs down from the Dirty Devs at the LGBTQ community. Being statistically accurate about suicide rates is painful in this game too, especially since she haunts every flipping medic. Don’t even get me started about her having mood issues in ranked. Not to mention the ability is called “martyrdom” meaning she’s either killing someone because of their beliefs, or she’s killing herself and named her suicide as something ironic, since no one really cared about her anyway. Probably the latter since she has this really fake German accent. She’s also sometimes confusing, and I often confuse her name with Fragger when talking to people. Sooo, let’s fix this bandana bada**.
Changes - Let’s be honest, she’s almost perfect the way she is. Enough hidden irony to make anyone who really cares about that crap laugh, or grimace. She clearly doesn’t give a fudge about you anyway based off her tattoos and her need to be fake with everyone regarding her accent. Didn’t even care about her wife, or just how much help and “being the best you can be” she could have been by helping businesses create better products that can help with all of the issues the DB attacks in London caused in the first place. Meh, if she has a merc identity and personal identity issues that broken, I’m not even gonna try. Just change her name to Launcha, and she’s “perfect.” Maybe give her the option to Nade hop doe, that would be pretty cool. Oh, and she needs to have a line about having bomb #@! titties too. It just seems appropriate for her character. Additional possibilities include allowing her to shoot nades that are incendiary or smoke for tactical purposes, but this would vastly increase her utility. As for her grenade launcher, the only thing it could really use is a bit more force with all those eggs it’s launching. Also, I really freaking hope those “eggs of death” aren’t really her eggs… She’s not having kids anytime soon, but still that would be messed up. I’d die from disgust if I got hit by one of those.
[spoiler]If you can’t take a joke, or find my references with Nader as over the top or hateful, you’re probably playing the wrong game, or easily offended. I’m not saying anything that isn’t somewhat based in truth, and personally, it just makes the “fixes” funnier. I also really couldn’t figure out anything I truly disliked about Nader’s playstyle, other than the over used meme about her blowing up on friendly medics. Also, for Kira, Cold War isn’t just about the nukes,
I was intentionally being ignorant, It was about developing technology, the nuclear weapons just seemed to be a big part of it. Race to Space, etc was part of that “war”[/spoiler]
Also, apparently the forum’s filter won’t pick up the T word… huh. I feel nasty now.
Xenithos
(Xenithos)
#93
Does ANYONE know why my second post’s text is smaller than the first? Is it just me? 0.o
TheStrangerous
(TheStrangerous)
#96
Strange, my text size in Google Chrome went default small, I had to set everything up again. Perhaps it’s your Chrome too?
Bushwanker is Texan and doesn’t have a revolver?! Every Texan has a Colt Dragoon in their pocket and that’s a fact! Old West never died and never will, how else do you explain the old west setting in the media? It still exists!
Xenithos
(Xenithos)
#99
The goal of these posts is to “fix” every merc so that they are either cool, or annoying issues with them become resolved. SIKE, this post is a complete joke. [spoiler]Feel free to come up with your own “fixes,” I’m posting my joke posts 1 every 2-3 days, and covering ~4 mercs every post. Please keep your replies focused on additional fixes for characters I’ve already mentioned. I don’t want someone to think I’m stealing off of them when I post my joke “fixes” for someone else.[/spoiler]
Alright, Let’s start from the beginning. I wanted this alphabetized, but I’ll start with Aura since everyone does. cough
Aura - I’m so sick of melee suicide humping that pesky station, and it STILL not dying. With Katanas and stilettos not killing it I’m convinced it’s broken. After all, we know the Katana is a perfect weapon, so it must be the healing station’s fault. Other than that she’s chill, er cool, ugh, whatever.
Change - If an enemy player is crouching and melee-ing while facing it and in its inner vicinity, it dies instantly! 
A “well placed” knife should always ruin a complex machine like that. Nothing works as well as brute force.
Aimee - She’s the Aimer, not the aimee… SHE EVEN ADMITS IT. C’MON YOU LAZY PRODUCERS. But, I digress, the real [100% USDA certified cow only with no irradiation] beef I got with this chick (she has no meat ON her, so clearly this is a metaphor Drax) is that I hate trying to find that little snitch on maps like Underground. Sometimes I’m dead before I even SEE it. It’s also futile against a healing station, and it makes everyone under it’s effects weak sauce. Who on earth thought making SNIPERS and any guns shooting those players DEADLIER was smart?! Making a PDP an instant kill on a Skyammer headshot is literally breathtaking.
Change - First, fix the name. Her name is Aimer, not Aimee. Makes way more sense with everyone else’s names being symbolic of their abilities… unless SD is intentionally making fun of the fact that everyone who uses her can’t aim, and that it’s easier to get aimed at playing her than not; then her name is wrong. [spoiler]Yes, I plan on fixing anyone’s names that are incorrect, DEAL WITH IT… oh wait, that’s Fragger, not Aimee, AHEM. This’ll be more fun now anyway since the naming patterns are symbolic of SD’s effectiveness. Some things they do are spot on, others make no sense or just defy logic. [/spoiler] Next up, the Snitch: Clearly, we gotta change it or limit it. Either we make it so that only knives do extra damage, and we up the damage increase to 50% or some crap to make the playerbase shut up, or we change it so that it doesn’t increase damage, and it just causes a really irritating buzzing noise in players near it and makes their vision just slightly disoriented the closer they are to it. Maybe increase range while we’re at it. There, that’s better. Wait, still too hard to find. Meh, give bomb squad to everyone looking at it. Fixed.
Arty (Party) - Don’t even get me started on this Clown’s uncanny knack of Just putting a cramp in everyone’s day using technology that defies physics… or naming patterns? Those “precision artillery strikes”, somehow involve a plane flying over… so… mortars? Anyway, his arty-strike falls in these really dumb triple bursts. It says Arty strike, not multistrike. Also, for some reason people can survive a drop from these (1/3 hit) even Proxies. Also, why on earth do those drops randomly move inside the circle? Is it symbolic of a splintering disco ball?
Change - First, change his name, or the strike name… I’m thinking Morty, not Arty. Makes more sense, or the alternative is they can just remove the plane. Then, I say we should change his strikes so that they do an instant 500 damage, and it should fit the whole column. If ya gotta make it smaller, fine, but remove the RNG, amirite? Nothing’s supposed to survive an artillery shell. Period.
Bushwhacker - How on earth is a turret able to turn 2460 degrees, and get no scope constant aimbot rng aim on me? Even while I’m bunny hopping I’m suddenly dying to a headshot THROUGH a wall from it because I lag spiked!? Also, where did “Bushwhacker” even come from? 0.o That name could be taken SO many ways. I also think a kukri makes more sense than a Cricket bat on this guy. Cricket bat just doesn’t fit his accent or his history, neither do stilettos, too tiny for a state known for going big… He’s an American, from Texas, so why isn’t he armed like one?! (Shotguns with laser pointers and Gatling guns ARE NECESSARY.) Most Texans also love “American Football” and STEAK, so either give him a Kukri, (because that’s totally used in Texas) or just give all his loadouts Beckhills until you add in a meat cleaver or some bone melee weapon or something. Oooohhh you should totally give him a bone. He also used to be a teacher, so all he really cares about is efficiency, and trying to lug an inactive turret around that takes forever to target someone just sounds really ineffecient to me.
Change - Clearly, they designed this character all wrong. He’s an American teacher from Texas. So let’s completely fix this guy. Alright, his new name is “T-Rat” or “T-Bone” Since his old nickname is pretty freaking cool and shouldn’t have been changed to Bushwhacker in the first place, or it can be improved if they let him clobber people with a bone. Smoking teachers are cool, so I won’t make him lose the cigar for a pair of glasses, but every time he talks he should take it from his mouth and spit on the floor afterwards. Give him a meat cleaver, spiked football, cow bone, or trophy for eating a 72oz steak as his melee weapons. Yes, if you pick the football, it should be able to be thrown. Next up, either give his turret a better stand so that he can have it always active and ON his person while he’s walking around, or give him duct tape and WD-40 since it just makes sense. He can throw the duct-tape at people to stop them, or patch up teammates, or maybe even to disable the bomb from being defused as easily for an extra second of applying it. WD-40 should be used as pepper spray or to enable his turret to be fixed if it goes down while it’s on his shoulder, and allow it to target faster. Yeah, much cooler guy, much more accurate. Glad to have been able to finally make him make sense. Also, if his name is T-rat, you should give him a messed up moustache that kinda looks like whiskers. Make him rat-like because that’d be hilarious. Also, give him some football related quotes. Could be as simple as saying Touchdown, or I’m tackling one thing at a time. Whatever play you can make, I’d be happy with that.